My, my, my boys and girls. Well looky here. Shro encountered something she isn’t used to.

This story starts the same as all my stories, but ends much, much differently. I apologize for it’s length, but it’s worth it.

Thursday–college night of course–Dev and I are the only ones who want to go out, everyone else bailed for monetary reasons and early Friday classes. I am without Friday classes and without money, but it doesn’t stop me. I realized when Dev arrived around nine that I hadn’t really eaten anything all day and that splitting a bottle of pre-gaming wine would be a bad idea with no food to soak it up. Out of food, I begrudgingly made myself a egg and cheese sandwich and joined everyone on the couches, wine in hand. We left for our favorite bar at ten, because as usual we don’t like to pay cover and we like a seat at the bar.

They were out of Magic Hat and the bar was pretty dead. It was early, but usually Thursdays are a guaranteed packed night. When it neared midnight, we decided to go to another bar for fifty cent can night in hopes of finding guys to hit on. Well, me hit on, her wing manning. Just as we were about to leave three guys came up to us and told us we looked bored. We agreed and said we were leaving. They began chatting us up. Two were pilots, a little bit on the thick side and insistent upon the fact that we should go with them and they would buy us all of our drinks. The third a smallish Asian guy, wrought with acne scars, stayed quiet for the most part. We told them we were already meeting people at a specific bar, but they were welcome to come with us if they wanted. Getting out of drinking Miller Lite is worth talking to some guys for a bit. I don’t ask or look for people to buy me drinks, but if you offer…I’m taking it.

We walked in the cold up to the next bar and found our friends. We bought our first drinks (Miller Lites–gross) as not to look desperate or be obligated to these dudes. I was still angry as predicted by the assholey comment made by the comm class kid earlier and was spouting off my hatred to these new guys. One of the pilots found this especially endearing and took my Miller Lite out of my hand, threw it away and got me a Yuengling. I occasionally escaped to the guy friends at the bar so pilot dude wouldn’t think I was trying to hum on his nuts. I wasn’t. But Dev had stayed talking to them, so I returned. It is here that they decided they needed to go smoke and headed to the outside bar. Dev and I saw this as our moment to escape. We wandered through the crowd searching for a beard or two for us to accidentally bump into. We stopped in an open pocket of space near our guy friends when I turned around and saw a very cute bearded nerd.

“Dev, look. That one.” Before I finished my sentence she had drunkenly ran up to him and started talking. I followed slowly behind to make sure he was actually attractive before I stepped in. He was. Taller than me, I would hope, and a rough looking 5-o-clock shadow–perfect. His friend, not so much. Tall and lanky, in your face nerdy appearance and mouth full of metal. Dev bounced around in front of them and I stood to the side acting a little indifferent and…drunk. Dev immediately announced she had a boyfriend, but flirted with them anyway. I talked to the cute one and did the predictable…when are you graduating, what are you majoring in, what are you going to do conversation. I had to defend my career choice, as I usually do, when he gave me the “you’re like every other dumb girl here” look. I told you, they all do it. Then Dev dragged him away to do shots and I was left with Braces. Fuck.

I gave Dev some time to work her magic and then told Braces we needed to go find them. I didn’t want him getting the wrong impression. I’ve already put my time in with a mouth full of metal–I had braces for five years–so…no can do sir. I sat next to the bearded one, while Dev and Braces sat on his other side. Not a minute passed before a guy friend of mine, who was three or four beers too deep, came running up to me, put his arm around my shoulder and insisted on buying me a beer. OK. Yes. I ignored Beardy, while homeboy talked nonsense to me. Eventually he began getting the wrong impression and asked if he was going home with me that night. I laughed and told him I’m not that easy, which is kind of a lie. I’m not easy, but as I am actively looking for a new fuck buddy, I kind of am, but only if you meet my long list of ‘fucking’ requirements. Few people do. Then he got clingy and I started jabbing Beardy in the leg and quickly glaring at him. I knew Dev knew what I was asking for, why Beardy didn’t seem to be understanding is beyond me. I turned to him quickly and told him to help me out. He said he didn’t know what to do. That should have been my first sign. Eventually, my friend walked away and I felt kind of bad.

The bar was closing and really, I hadn’t had much time to gauge whether this Bearded kid was cool enough to even be considered. He was smart, had a beard and was cute…but that’s not enough. This however didn’t matter, as Dev insisted that they all come back to my house to hang out for a bit and then she would drive them home since they live in her apartment complex. Everyone agreed, I some how heard none of this and was informed as we walked out the door, passing by the pilots.

Dev and I ran ahead of the two boys, her grabbing my arm going “You own me big. I got you in.” I, besides the initial walking up to people, don’t need a wing man, but Dev seemed to think so and apparently “talked to homeboy for me.” Hmm. I can only wonder what she said. I was hesitant to have these two guys over because my house was a wreck. My room fortunately was really clean, but not my house. Seriously, it was in a state of disrepair. So I whispered to them as we climbed the stairs in my silent townhouse not to judge me for the festering mess. Dev ran to the kitchen and grabbed our last box of wine (we’re kind of winos), ripped out the bag and filled up one last glass worth. We passed it around the room like a bunch of alcohol hungry teenagers and discussed nothing of importance.

An hour passed quickly and next thing I knew Dev was standing up saying she was good to drive now and Braces was to come with her. Then she looked to the Bearded one and asked if he was staying or going. I froze, glaring at her, questioning her last remark. I had hardly talked to this kid. I, although I’m looking for a fuck buddy, do not sleep with people the first day/night I meet them. I may like sex–a lot–but I don’t just hand it out for all who wants it. I was hoping since we really hadn’t talked much that he would say he was going home. He didn’t, he said he was staying. I didn’t know what to say. I was still kind of drunk and in complete shock that I just sat there, not blinking, staring at Dev. Before I knew it, Dev and Braces had left and I was sitting in my room alone with this almost complete stranger.

“Hey, so uh, we really haven’t talked that much. Why did you decide to stay?”

I forget what his reasons were, nothing definitive mind you. Clearly, I knew what he was looking for and clearly, I wasn’t giving it. But I thought “Hell, if he’s at least interested, I’ll figure out who this kid is and see if he passes my test.” So I asked him questions, he asked me some. We sat five feet apart. My phone lit up and I knew it was Dev telling me she had gotten home safely, instead it said…”he loves you.” Dev probably shouldn’t have driven. So I asked her what he had told her, because I hadn’t been privy to any of those conversations they had had all night. But what I got in return was the last thing I expected.

“HE’S A VIRGIN!”

Beardy was mid sentence when I received this. I fake smiled through my shock as I pretended to not have missed the last few seconds of his response. We continued talking as I began probing Dev for answers.

“No, he’s not! How do you know? He’s 22!”

“Braces told me. He kept asking about your past partners too…I was like she’s been with maybe three people…”

Really. Three. That’s the go to lie number, I wish she had told him the truth. Six ain’t shit and I don’t really care. I later found out he asked her if I “was a good girl” (no…I like to be bad…very bad…so I can be reprimanded) and “If I was going to corrupt his boy.” (Why yes if I see fit, that is what I do.)

I hadn’t responded to her, as I didn’t want to be rude to Beardy now…The Virgin…and I didn’t want to make my knowledge apparent. So I just humored him and we kept right on talking. Him still sitting five feet away from me.

“Sooo are you going to take that shit?” She texted.

“Nah man.” which was followed by, “He straight up is a virgin!?” “How? Why?!” “I can’t believe you set me up with a fucking virgin!” She fell asleep before she ever responded.

Somehow he managed to bring up the topic of sex, which he said so strangely that it only highlighted his virgin-ness more. I asked him what he wanted to know–me the open book of all things sexual, obviously. He said he didn’t know. Of course, because what I have to tell, he probably couldn’t handle. I changed the subject quickly knowing I didn’t want him to admit his secret to me. It was nearing five thirty, I had gotten up 22 hours before hand and was running on three hours of sleep, no food and entirely too much alcohol, I needed to go to bed.

He mumbled slightly, “Alright, well can I sleep on your couch or something?”

Really? I rolled my eyes and said, “You can sleep in my bed…we don’t have to touch each other. It will be ok.” I know that was kind of bitchy, but really…the Virgin stayed at my house, not really knowing me and made no move at all. Had I not known he was a Virgin, I would have taken offense. He kept his distance the whole time, never touched me at all. He said ok and we got into bed.

He had been bitching all night about how hot it was in my room, finally as we were going to bed I had heard enough and told him to take a shower if he was having such a problem with it. I didn’t want him to offer, but at this point I was kind of hoping for his sake he would ask me to join him, instead he took one by himself. I frantically tried texting and emailing people at this point with my current state of affairs, but I was too tired and drunk to work my phone.

He came back out and wanted to play the questions game again. Sure. Shoot. “How many relationships have you been in?” “Legitimate boyfriends, or counting people I dated?” “Boyfriends.” “One serious long term one.” For some odd reason this turned into the topic of game playing and I half asleep said, “I fucking hate games. Fuck me or don’t. Date me or don’t. Don’t waste my time.” This wasn’t directed at him, just in general, my frustrations with the male population as a whole. He thought this was a request and stumbled through…”are you asking me to…” “No? I was just saying, plus dude…I just met you.” With that we fell asleep. Apart. Five feet between the two of us. Never touching, not ever.

I woke up at 9, the light shining through, the wine bearing down on my dehydrated temporal lobe, and the Virgin sitting up next to me in bed…reading. He had woken up at eight, unable to sleep anymore and started reading my copy of the Catcher In The Rye. We talked for a bit, but I mostly moaned through my hang over and once again lack of sleep. No moaning for any other reason of course. In the light of morning, it was weirder than it was hours before. I still didn’t understand why he had stayed and what he had wanted and more importantly, I felt like shit and was in no mood to be entertaining someone. I went back to bed.

I woke up an hour later and he was still just hanging out. I guess he felt like he had to do that morning after kind of thing. I would have been fine with him just peacing out. Eventually he got up and put his pants and shirt back on. I’ll give him that, he at least took some clothes off. He sat in my computer chair as I held my head in pain inside of my sheets. He asked for my number, I think he felt obligated to do so and left to catch the bus. Fuck no, I wasn’t driving him home. I high fived him instead. He thought that was strange. Bitch, I’m not getting out of bed to give you a hug or some goodbye kiss when you haven’t touched me ONCE!
I laid there staring at the ceiling, confused by what had just happened. I fell back asleep with the Jonas Brothers’ Burnin’ Up randomly stuck in my head.

Two Side notes:

Of Virgins: It’s perfectly fine that he’s still a virgin, however, I will not be the one responsible for taking it. Hello, he’s 22 and never had sex. He probably has all sorts of thoughts and ideas of what its going to be like…and when it isn’t what he thinks its going to be I don’t want to be the one who lets him down. Granted, sex is awesome, but first time sex with someone new rarely is and considering he probably wouldn’t last very long…it wouldn’t be. Plus, I’m done teaching and I don’t want to get ahold of a first class clinger. I don’t need that. Soooo no. He never made a move, he apparently just likes awkward sleep overs.

Second Note:

The Jonas Brothers–I had never heard them until that day previously and for some reason got that song stuck in my head and woke up with it. I looked it and the lyrics up and ironically…last night–that’s what I was out to find…but instead the only “increase in temperature” was my hot ass room.  Funny though because the JB’s are all virgins.  Coincidence? I think not.

Final Note:

Shro doesn’t do virgins. She would break them.