So my dears, I do believe finally it has come to an end. Everyone rejoices and I inevitably look like a dumbass. Everytime! How does it happen?

Last night was my friend’s 23rd birthday. He usually picks his favorite bar, 519, for us to all go to, but due to size and the amount of people he was expecting he picked a bar we rarely go to. I didn’t care much because they had $3 Magic Hat no. 9 and after a long night previously of wine and free beer, I needed something I could drink slowly and actually enjoy.

We arrived at 11 as told, only to find out that no one else had made it yet. No matter, there were still eight of us in our group, so we stood by the giant mirror and gawked at the slew of short boys that had infested the bar. I was only on my first beer, when I looked up and saw BP coming my way. The neighbors and Catholic noticed my sudden withdraw and asked what was up. I pointed and they all rolled their eyes. The one neighbor that BP knows the most and thinks is gorgeous, ran up and gave him a high five, only because she knows he knows she hates him. I looked over with a bitchy look and gave him a half-assed wave. One that said, you’re a prick.

As I was coming back from the bar a little later with another beer, I walked right into him. “Hi…” He stood there awkwardly. “So…you get my uh, long winded text last night?” “No, my phone was screwed up. Got another today.” “Oh good.” He asked what it was about, I told him it didn’t matter and that I saw his old roommates and friends last night. He began bitching about them and I looked bored. I pushed him out of the way and went back to my friends. He disappeared into the crowd of military guys and scantily clad underage sorority girls.

When everyone else showed up, we moved to the other end of the bar when more people were dancing. I had no intention of dancing, but Dev and some of the girls wanted to. I stood with the Catholic, birthday boy and friends and occasionally burst out into spastic white girl dance moves to mock everyone. I don’t dance unless I’m wasted. I wasn’t. BP was with some people across the room. I did my best to ignore him, but he gradually brought himself and the girl he was dancing with closer and closer to me, until he was about 10 feet away. I, uninterested, turned my back to him and talked shit with all the boys and made my greatest attempts with one of them to get awkwardly close to this couple that were basically fucking on the dance floor. I love grossly open PDA. I was having a good time and had completely forgotten BP was right behind me, until Dev came over and announced, “You do realize that he’s been staring at you the entire night and then making out with this underage girl and seeing if you noticed?” The Catholic jumped in and said, “Thank God someone else noticed that.” I laughed because I hadn’t and didn’t really care. I don’t get jealous of boyfriends, let alone just people I’m having sex with, so I don’t know what he was trying to do.

I disappeared to get more beer and when I returned they were playing B.I.G.’s Juicy, which is hands down the best rap song ever written and I pathetically (awesomely) know all the words. So as I was singing them out loudly with the birthday boy, BP came to talk to Best Friend. He KNOWS best friend hates him, as she tells him every time she sees him and made last night no exception. I ran over there singing, “Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, when I was dead broke man, I couldn’t picture this.” and dancing in front of him and then grabbed him and yelled, “She hates you!” and walked away. After Best Friend placated him a little longer, he left. In fact, I think he left all together.

As I got to my fifth and final Magic Hat I was tipsy enough that Vag took over and I did something stupid. I texted BP and said, “Bitch, whered you go?’ “I left. You getting dropped off here?” “Off where?” “My house.” “Nah, I took the bus. You have to come get me or meet me halfway.” “Where’s halfway?” “Hams.” “Shit, nevermind I got too high.” “Shit’s weak dude. Call me when you actually give what you say you can.” Then he called. “Are you coming?” “You said you were too high?” “I mean, we can hang out.” “Fine, are you meeting me halfway?” “Yeah.” “When are you leaving?” “Now.” “Fine. I’ll see you in a few.” I walked outside, the temperature nearing 15 degrees. I was only wearing a long sleeve black shirt, a light black coat and 3 inch heeled black leather boots. I didn’t dress for a half mile walk. I walked to Hams and he called asking where I was. I told him I was in between BB&T and the dorms and that I’d be there in a few minutes. I got to Hams and saw someone on the other end of it, dressed in what he was wearing earlier and running in the direction of his house. I texted him, “Did I just see you running?” I gave him a minute and called, “Yo, where the fuck are you? You don’t make me walk in the freezing cold in Greenville and make me wait. You have one minute to show up or I’m leaving.” He didn’t show, so I walked back to the bar to find my friends to catch the bus. As I got back, he called. I immediately started yelling, “You have an uncanny ability to be a piece of shit. Where the fuck were you?” He said he was at Hams, right now. “I was just there, you weren’t there.” “I’m there, I’m right out front.” “Fine, if I walk back there and you’re not there, don’t ever fucking call me again.” I walked back the second time, this time pissed and ready to have angry sex or to punch him in the face. Maybe both.

Low and behold, he wasn’t there, again. This time I was livid. I looked at my phone. I was going to miss the next bus and would have to wait outside for 30 minutes in the cold if I were to walk back now. My hands were already starting to hurt they were so cold. I decided the three minute walk to his house was a better idea. Forget dignity and safety. This was purely based off survival now. I planned to warm up inside, yell at him and get someone to pick me up. So I walked as fast as my heels could carry me, down the streets you don’t walk down late at night in Greenville. I was so angry at this point though, it’s possible no one would have wanted to bother me. I rounded the corner and walked up the steps to his house and barged in the half way open door. Inside sat his roommate and a friend, baked out of their mind. They were so high they couldn’t function. I said, “where the fuck is your roommate.” They didn’t know. I barely explained the situation, just said I was freezing and was supposed to meet him. They were watching Blow, so I sat down with them trying to get warm and waiting for BP’s arrival. It was going to epic. My buzz was gone, this was purely adrenaline now. Twenty minutes passed, my friends had called and I had called BP…no answer from him.

I sat on the couch waiting, about to call my neighbor to come get me when it dawned on me that he could be in his room. I went to go open his door and it was locked. “That fucking asshole. He never went to Hams the second time.” I asked his roommate for his key so I could get in (I realize…crazy mode has set in. I can’t explain to you how pissed I was. He had officially made me look like a dumb ass for the final time and I was not going out without a bang.) His roommate said the keys were only for individual doors and he couldn’t help me. I called neighbor and asked for a piece of paper. I wrote out a hateful note to him, including such lines as “You’re a piece of shit.” “Stop wasting my time and making me look like a dumb whore.” “If this wasn’t just about getting laid, you would have been punched in the face and told to fuck off long ago.” “Don’t call me.” I slide it under his door and left.

By now, he’s read it and seen the hateful messages I was sending him as I froze in the cold. Now, it’s time for a new fuck buddy. Nobody makes Shro look like a crazy bitch.