I’m sure by now if you have followed this blog you’re beginning to wonder…why do I still talk to Baseball Player? Why do I still associate with him and sometimes sleep with him? The answer most likely boils down to a very simple answer, but indubitably a long one.

From what I’ve written, Baseball Player comes off as an alcoholic douchebag that all my friends hate. And none of that is wrong, but I do play it to the extreme, sometimes.

So let’s examine this shall we?

Baseball Player and I are fuck buddies, the more extreme version of friends with benefits. We started this game about a year ago. We’ve denounced it, started again, insulted each other, called it off, dated people, started again, called it off…it’s a never ending cycle.

So why do I keep going back?

In the simplest form: It’s easy. Up until this past Wednesday, I remembered it being good sex that came with no effort. I didn’t have to date him, I didn’t have to hang out with him. I didn’t have to humor him and I didn’t have to sleep around. I got what I wanted in the easiest way possible. And on a completely hedonistic level it makes sense. I am a girl with a ridiculous libido. I can’t be sated. I’m pretty sure that on the cognitive level, I think about sex as much as guys do. That and chocolate cake. So to get what I wanted with no expenditure of effort seems ideal.

Also, the boy is ridiculously attractive, at least in my taste of looks. He looks like all the other guys I’ve ever liked. But beyond that he’s ripped from head to toe. He’s one of those assholes who doesn’t have to work out that much and is still solid muscle. He gets naked and its just like, ‘Oh hi, six pack, delicious defined shoulders, and sculpted arms.’ I don’t mind it at all, strangely though I don’t usually go for guys like that. But people you’re using for sex are supposed to not be your type, at least how I rationalize it.

And as I’ve mentioned before, he is intelligent. Not the nerd I go for, but he has a functioning brain in there, so I can drop big words on him and he doesn’t get confused. Unlike this one guy, who said to me once, “You’re always using such big words. Why?” The word that inspired that comment was…disdain. Doesn’t get much bigger than that my friends.

Now regardless that his is smart, attractive and its easy, there always seems to be a bigger price to pay. For a long time, we fluctuated between treating each other like shit and being friends. I think it was a strange defense mechanism on both of our parts to make sure it never became anything else. But we both always knew that. Although, I did convince myself early in the year that I did like him, but only because I think it was my brain telling my vag to stop being a slut. And his friend insisted one night over the summer that BP liked me…I laughed in his friend’s face and said he has a really great way of showing it.

Over the past 6 months, we have treated each other with more respect. Even when I called it off twice, once in June and again in August, he was cool about it and we actually still talked to each other from time to time, which didn’t happen in the past. And it’s in there that I think we formed a pseudo friendship. I think he relies on me more as a friend than I do on him. The explanation to that is strange though. I mean that if he needs advice or wants to talk about something (usually his new found insecurities) he knows I’ll sit there and listen. I know if I want to talk about something or need advice, I can’t go to him because I won’t get any. Selfish on his part.

Despite all of this and that we do respect each other more… we still really aren’t friends. I would never treat a friend the way I treat him and I would hope the same on his part. The funny thing is that we started off as friends and were very nice to each other and somewhere along the line lost respect for each other. The stories he tells me, he sounds like a nice guy. I know underneath my bitchy exterior I am a nice person. So why together we are not, I don’t know. I really don’t think anyone can be fuck buddies. It doesn’t work. I’ve said over and over and continue to do it anyway.

So maybe the long answer is a short one, it is one of ignorance. I don’t know why we seem to gravitate towards each other. He seeks me out as much as I seek him out and half the time it isn’t even sex related. We have falling outs and then someone contacts the other a month later and we pick right back up. It’s very strange. So maybe I can’t explain it. He is no good for me. I know this. My friends tell me daily. But despite that, do not confuse this lack of an explanation as really me not having self-worth or respect and needing someone to fill a void, because thats not it at all. I guess it really is because its easy. But now that that “easy” situation became a very unattractive one as of Wednesday, I may be reconsidering all of it.

But hey, I say that all the time and then not get laid for a month or two and things change. The game doesn’t seem to end as much as I thought it did long ago and truthfully probably won’t get out of it until I move away. At that point, I’ll know that we were never friends because we’ll probably never talk to each other again and I’m fine with that.

I can say though that he does not hinder me from meeting other people or dating other people. And although he has very much pissed me off in the past, he has successfully never made me feel bad about myself. The day that moment comes the game really is over.