This weekend marks the day when many people in Greenville get to move into their new apartments or houses. I foolishly decided not to move and now have been disgustingly outdone by all the new swanky apartments and townhomes that have just been built for students. Whatever, I like my roaches and leaky ceilings. Anyway, this weekend I was going to help Baseball Player move into his new house and in turn he was going to help me in all sorts of ways. I texted him on on Thursday making sure we were still on because otherwise I was going to go to Raleigh. No response, so I texted him again on Friday saying I was going back and to get up with me when he returned to Greenville for good. I drove back to Raleigh and thought nothing of it. BP and I tend to stop responding if we’re just not interested, busy or interested in someone else, so I assumed it was one of the above.

Last night, I came home from a long day of shopping with Morgan and game night at the Badders’ house. It was 2:30 and I was catching up with doorman as I was trying to get tired, when I received a text from BP. “I can’t exactly have sex…” I assumed this meant he was dating someone now. So I responded with “What happened” then immediately panicked, thinking wait a second, what exactly does that mean? Shit, do I need penicillin? Maybe this happened since last time we saw each other…as I’m having a mini break down thinking of all the horrible things it could possibly be he responds with “I’m just trying to take it easy for awhile and see if something like a relationship happens.”

So I was right. Phew! So I told him that’s awesome, good luck, still want to see your new place and if in the end it doesn’t work out there’s still a girl down the street who wants to get ravaged.

Then my phone rang. BP doesn’t call me, so this was strange.

Shro: Yes, dear?

BP: Look, I can still get you off if you want, we just can’t have sex.

Shro: Okay? That’s fine, but I’m not in Greenville.

BP: You’re in Raleigh!? (I can tell now that he is drunk)

Shro: Yeah, I told you this. You didn’t respond in time, I went home.

BP: What are you talking about?

I explained to him the text messages and he said he never got them. Hmm?

Shro: But, so who is the lucky lady?

BP: Oh, there isn’t. I’m just taking a break right now, I feel like it’s holding me back.

Shro: Oh you mean from like meeting other people and stuff.

BP: No, not really. I just want to see if I can do it.

Shro: Wait, what? Why?

BP: As a challenge. It will be really hard. (Insert obvious joke here)

He went a little more on about it and I saw my senior year ravaging plans crumbling. Shro think fast.

Shro: Well, that’s great. That’s really ambitious of you and if that’s what you want to do I totally respect it. But sweetheart wait…aren’t you graduating this coming May too? (he said yes) Okay, so really we only have a year left here to be completely irresponsible, wreckless and stupid. Ya know, so this seems more like a goal to achieve when you move away and get a real job and don’t know anyone. I just don’t want you to regret your senior year because you decided to be celibate. There’s a lot of fun to still be had.

BP: Yeah, I see your point that kind of makes sense.

Shro: It totally makes sense.

After a few more wise Shro points, I broke him down and he decided to go against this plan and asked if I would come over.

Shro: I’m not there, dear. In two weeks when you come back though…okay.

He agreed and we hung up. I sent him a few text messages that would ensure the fact that he would stick to the new plan and fell asleep. As I was getting ready to meet Randomgirlfor lunch today, he responded to one I had sent him. I sent him a few back and he responded with “Not having sex, but there are other ways, yes.” Damnit–Sober BP wasn’t falling for last night’s infinite Shro Wisdom, so I told him, you know I’ll break you right? He said, Iron Wall. So I left it with “This will be my challenge and need I remind you, I don’t fail at anything.”

So now, dear readers, I have to find the perfect balance between persistence and stealthness to convince him his plan is a foolish one. But this baseball player has a thing for boyshorts and secretaries, so maybe I just found the perfect excuse to buy a high waisted pencil skirt and show up at his house unexpected. Now I just need to find some sexy glasses…

And at least I can always rely on Doorman to get the job done.