At the moment, my bank account reflects the level of the lakes in Raleigh several months ago. Empty, barren, destitute, vacuous…I’m broke, okay? So deep into the times of rice and beans (until payday–Wednesday!), I can only see the things I want in life.

1. Chicken Salad. I know, how silly. I could just go out to any restaurant and get a sandwich stuffed to my heart’s delight. I, however, can’t take the chance of over drafting for chicken salad. Otherwise, that six dollar chicken salad orgasm just turned into a thirty dollar case of heartburn. Up until months ago, I hated chicken salad, mainly because I hate mayonnaise (GROSS), but then Merkle made some and well…I never looked back. Now, I crave chicken salad. I need my chicken salad fix. So right now, I would even settle for Chick-fil-a’s weak attempt at chicken salad. Until Wednesday, I suppose I can just dream big–as big as a chicken salad feast. Til that day, I leave you with this:

Shania hates mayo all right, and she can’t eat chicken salad, thats no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo – the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches – she still doesn’t believe me – I say, Shania, I’m allergic to mayo – which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn’t believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches… before she realizes, it’s chicken salad. -Brad Stand from I Heart Huckabees

2. October. Summer just ain’t what it used to be. It’s hot and because of this and Clinique my face has broken out. It costs me a lot in gas, because we certainly can’t stay in Greenville on the weekend. And I either am too busy or have entirely too much free time, either way I am going to complain. But October, well, it’s the best month in the year. Didn’t you know? The weather is perfect for football, pumpkins decorate lawns and my tastebuds, boots get introduced to the world again, and the sunlight is muted in a scenery of burnt oranges and browns; it’s euphoric. I only wished we lived somewhere where fall made more of an appearance, but either way, I’m waiting for October. If I could just hibernate until then, that would be for the best.

3. A monokini. Heard of ‘em? They’re adorable and I think uber sexy (can the word uber and sexy really be used in the same sentence?). I found a cute and cheap! one at Target.com, but of course they don’t have it in the store. And I am not brave enough to just buy it and see if it works out.

But then I found this as well and I almost passed out. Let me preface this with, I have been searching for this type of bathing suit since I was a sophomore in high school. I, of course found it, but only spewed onto the pages of Vogue, done up by Tom Ford and Dolce and Gabbana and costing a pretty penny. But there, on my computer screen and an extremely affordable price, Target fulfilled all of my previous summers’ longing. I have wanted a strapless, white, ruched sided, squared bottomed, one piece bathing suit that screams vintage for five years. Like this one… except it’s black.

I know what you’re thinking, “A one piece, really?” But can’t you picture it now…this with my giant tan sun hat and some red heels? I’ll pause for you soak in the amount of fabulousness that that would exude. Ok great, got it? Understand now? Fan-fucking-tastic.

4. A vacation to St. John. I was Facebook stalking photos and saw someone went to St. John; I was envious. I went there six years ago when vacations were a big deal in the Shro family. In the days of lavish vacays, we went to some pretty spectacular places, but this one exceeded them all. Who needs tours of King Henry VIII’s castle, when you have the white sand, aqua water and rainbow fish of the Virgin Islands? We stayed in a house on a cliff overlooking Chocolate Bay (is there any question as to why I liked it?). We traveled the island every day, visiting different beaches and traipsed winding, narrow paths up to the edge of broad cliffs; I fell in love. I stole this photo from Cache.com, but it’s a picture of Trunk Bay and I snorkled around that mini island and gawked at all the coral and flapping sting rays. I miss it and need a vacation from my NYC vacation.

5. A slice of Linda’s Fudge Cake. The fastest way to my heart, you ask? A slice of Linda’s Fudge Cake from the Cheesecake Factory (or Godiva Dark Chocolate Truffles..or dutch ovening!). This seven dollar, 2000 calorie piece of cake is what I’m pretty convinced Heaven looks like. Unfortunately, Greenville’s restaurant selection falls very short of the Cheesecake Factory, but fortunately, Barnes and Noble (not NOBLES!) carries some Cheesecake Factory desserts. I may have to splurge on pay day and then run eight miles.

6. I have a thing for suitcases! I saw this last thing while in New York. I always knew I wanted one, but my need for one wasn’t fully realized until I saw it staring back at me beneath the come hither lighting of Prada. In the back aisles, beyond the mirrors and alongside the simple black dresses laid what makes my heart beat the fastest. In varying sizes, stacked in deep jewel tones were Prada’s simplistic view of visual merchandising. They were the most gorgeous round leather (possibility crocodile) vintage-esque suitcases.

(Photo from Kaboddle.com)

These are not them. I couldn’t find a picture of the Prada suitcases and I was afraid the Prada Police would kick me out if I tried to take a picture, so this was the closest thing I could find in shape. Now just imagine a much more stream lined, rich, but muted mauve leather suitcase embossed with Prada screaming my name. Because, God lord, it was. One day. But just imagine how amazing this 1940’s inspired suitcase would go with my 1940s inspired bathing suit.

Want me to be able to have any of these things? Any sort of monetary donation is most welcome.