It was my twenty first birthday and I was throwing a huge black and white party (theme idea stolen from Badders) to celebrate appropriately. We mixed up a large batch of Whamboozie and proceeded to get as drunk as humanly possible. (For each batch: one case of beer, one handle of vodka and four cans of frozen lemonade *don’t add water* We had two cases, gallon and half of vodka, a fifth of Everclear and 8 cans from concentrate. It was delicious) A good sixty people came and spilled drinks on our floor, puked on the stairs and outside, broke our patio umbrella, knocked pictures off the wall, and belligerently yelled; it was a fantastic party.

I had invited him though. One because he had become a good friend of mine and two because I had wanted to sleep with him since December. So I did what any intelligent girl would do, I decided to give myself an excellent birthday present and make it quite clear what would be happening after the party. I had already mentioned to him beforehand that he could sleep in my bed and a good friend of ours already told him about my affinity for beejs, so he definitely knew.

As more and more people showed up and the hours began to fly by, he and I would run off to my room on the third floor and wildly make out in my bathroom or closet. Naturally, we would be met with a knock on the door by someone having to pee. I would hide him in my closet and awkwardly acknowledge the person standing there waiting to pee, while just sheepishly smiling. They would turn and leave afterwards, leaving me seemingly standing by myself in my room, looking quite odd. (Note: For some reason when I’m drunk, people aren’t suppose to know that I’m making out with someone.)

We had escaped back to my room a little bit before two to try to go at it again. Yet again, another knock. This time I did a signature Shro move by falling off the bed, pulling down my curtain and hiding underneath the bed (seriously, I don’t get it.) He just sat there in the dark, on the bed, while Merkle came in looking for my help. She didn’t even see me before she started talking to me. “Shro, people are going crazy outside, I can’t do this by myself. I need you to go yell at them.” I yelled out “uggh, fine” and got up, as if I hadn’t just been hiding behind the bed and ran downstairs and began yelling. We kicked everyone out with the help of Mattie, Jenn and Sarah yelling that the cops were coming and I went back upstairs.

Things became really hazy at that point. So hazy that I don’t remember a lot of it. But there is one part I will never, ever forget. I got the birthday present I wanted, happy birthday to me, but then strangely requested doing 69 afterwards. Mind you, I hate 69. It doesn’t make sense, you can’t concentrate. And drunkenly…well, it can’t be pretty. But I wanted to do it anyway, so I climbed on top and got down to business. What happened next can only be explained away by the Whamboozie on both of our parts.

It seemed strange, something was out of place and this was far too unfamiliar for me. For ten seconds my thoughts had to pause to allow my nerve endings to reach my brain. Then the next fifteen seconds went a little like this in my brain…wait a second. OK hold on. Wait. Alright. No. No way! Can’t be. Is that? Really? Wait. Not uh. Then it hit me and I yelled out, “Dude, that’s my asshole!” He reacted in a way that only showed he was just as unaware of it as I was. As he put it, “I guess you don’t have an offensive asshole.” Thanks? I immediately jumped off, finished my job and then couldn’t stop laughing. I had officially gotten a rim job for my 21st birthday. Its like when you’re opening presents and you think you’re done, but then your mom or dad comes into the room holding one last mysterious box. You rip it open with furry and its everything you wanted and more. Actually, no, not at all like that.

After everything was said and done, we were lying down in my bed, listening to all the noise of the other people crashing in our living room a floor down. We slurred our words I’m sure and talked of nothing important, but then I made the horrible decision to look down at the sheets were lying on top of. I had one more birthday present to give myself. My period decided that maybe it wasn’t over after all. There on my queen sized ivory colored sheets were huge streaks of something that would resemble chocolate ice cream stains the next morning. From the foot of the bed to the top, there had been an explosion of Breyer’s Chocolate Ice Cream. I was mortified. I immediately panicked. This had never happened before. I tried to explain it, to reason it away, to make sure he wasn’t completely disturbed. And then by some stroke of gentlemanly luck, he told me it was no big deal and not to worry about it. I was stunned. “This doesn’t disgust you? It disgusts me!” He just kept telling me it was no big deal, but proceeded to make “There Will Be Blood” references. I couldn’t help but laugh.

The next day, I told all the girls who had stayed over the story and we all laughed at my expense. Burch’s sister helped me Windex the stains out later that night as we pregamed for birthday night two. But the stains aren’t completely gone and sometimes in the right light, I can see them and I am reminded of the many birthday presents I decided to give myself and laugh.

I saw him recently. He came and surprised me at my house and attacked me in my computer chair. The chair toppled over and I yelled as it smashed into the ground. We both just laid there laughing until I stood up and found a large gash on the side of my thigh. It was slowly bleeding and promised to form a lovely bruise. He had to leave shortly after that and I went to bed, only to awake to find more blood in my sheets from something he had done.

<3

Side bar on rim jobs:

My thoughts on them are: completely indifferent. It’s not hot nor disgusting. It’s just hey, someone is licking my asshole. I would never ask for it to be done, but if someone really liked doing it, I’d let them do it. And at any rate, a lot of people know how to get me out in Never Have I Ever now and that’s enough to make me appreciate the whole thing.